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This is where I’m sitting, right at this very moment while I write this. The view is spectacular. The “hotel,” (I almost can’t even call it that because of it’s size and grandeur) is luxurious. I’m working, but it’s work I love and care about. With so few interruptions because I’m not in my home office being beckoned by laundry or dishes… I’m not looking at the clock to see how much time until the kids get home. When cocktail hour comes, my food and drinks are paid for and I’m in the company of good people, including my husband.

I’ve come to accompany my husband on a business trip because his room and flight were paid for, the schedule pretty relaxed, and it was a rare opportunity for us to get away together without spending too much money – and to take advantage of time together without the children.

“Without the children” – why is that soooo loaded?

I know a woman who in 18 years NEVER went away with her husband without the kids. There must be others like her. But then there’s the celebrity couple in the news who has arranged to spend every weekend child free, leaving their daughter with her loving grandmother (and then all the backlash from that announcement). And of course there’s everything in between. And for so many families it’s an angst-ridden, complicated decision each time. For some it’s “But we spend all week at work, we’re supposed to want to be with our children on the weekends” or for some “we do want to be with our children on the weekends.” But, they also might want carefree time with their spouse or partner, and many of us haven’t figured out how to have both at the same time – mostly, it’s not possible (or at least never a guarantee) because of the unpredictable nature of children and the high level of their needs.

I’d like to pick apart our guilt – to figure out how much of it is based on our real authentic core values about parenting and family, vs. imposed judgment from other people or our culture. How much is about what feels right or wrong to us, versus what we fear others will think? I hope to attempt that over the course of this blog series on Mom guilt. I’ve been talking to other moms while I’m here and the one thing I feel I can put my finger on is that a lot of these feelings stem from the age old “quantity vs quality” debate. We have internalized expectations about how much time we should be spending with our children. Where does that come from? For example, we’re seeing pointed out by Jennifer Senior in All Joy and No Fun, and by Brigid Schulte in Overwhelmed, that parents today spend significantly more time each day with their children than parents in the 1950’s – and that’s when most households had only one working parent! Is that because things were more communal, kids roamed the neighborhood, in and out of each other’s houses, with less need for one on one with the adults? (And is that better, or worse, and does it matter?) Certainly if we rewind even more I imagine infants were strapped onto backs while moms washed clothes on rocks in the river, other children being tended to by older siblings while parents worked in the fields. Now, not only are parents trying to squeeze in their idea of sufficient time with the kids, but the amount of that time that is spent in “high quality, ‘interactive care’” has almost tripled! (Schulte).

So, not only have we as a society at some point decided a certain quantity of time with our children is important, but that time spent is intentional and purposeful – and therefore, harder!

We’re spending more time with our kids, and we’re under pressure to spend it a certain way. “Quantity” and “Quality.”

Now, maybe that’s better. Maybe our kids will benefit. (I guess only time – and more studies – will tell).

But is it any wonder we need a break? Is it any wonder our spouses are being pushed to the back burner? And where do they fall in this discussion of more or less, better or worse? (Is the divorce rate relevant to those kinds of decisions?) Keeping a marriage healthy is hard work – that requires time, and time spent a certain way, too – some Quantity and some Quality.

In case it helps you, here’s something I do… I like to remind myself that I was a whole person before I had kids. I was also a partner before I had kids. And that wanting to revisit what it was like to be that person, or that partner, every once in a while, is okay – maybe even healthy. One day, I’ll be a version of that person again – my kids will forever be a part of me but on a daily basis, less and less so. One day my partner will be my main person again. And I don’t want to feel like we put each other on hold “until.” Some marriages make it “until” – some don’t. I’d also like for my boys to see what a healthy, supportive, connected romantic partnership looks like. To know that we are not JUST their parents, but we’re our own people with our own relationships too. I have to believe that sets them up for healthy relationships themselves.

Of course, I can tell myself all of this, but those little pangs of mom guilt still remain: the knowing how much the boys would prefer it be me or their dad tucking them in for the night or sending them off to school; the just plain old missing them, (but on a trip like this I must admit I miss them in a “can-someone-just-bring-them-to-me-for-a-quick-squeeze-and-a-check-in-and-then-whisk-them-away-again” sort of a way). We won’t eradicate mom guilt, but maybe we can erode her power just a tiny bit, by telling ourselves the kids are alright; that learning how to be outside of their comfort zone and trust other people to care for them is useful; that welcoming home refreshed, happy parents will benefit them in ways they can’t yet understand.

Cheers!

I knew starting a postpartum doula agency might raise some eyebrows in the doula community. I wasn’t sure why, exactly, other than the fact that “new and different” tends to raise eyebrows. But wow did I come across a GOLDMINE of reasons just the other day, on a rant on social media from a well-respected doula in our area. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not taking her post as if it were directed at me. But she has quite the following (for good reason – she has worked long and hard supporting and educating doulas and families), and so while the post might not be directed at me, I don’t think there’s any way around the fact that she has just used her influence in a way that directly disrespects me, my business, and my independent contractors (agency doulas). So, whether I like it or not, I feel obligated to respond.

I’ve had such a positive response – from parents, providers, and doulas – about my plan to open an agency of postpartum doulas to serve the families in North County, San Diego. It’s a wonderful affirmation of the need, as seen by all of the stakeholders.

I’ve also had some questions. Most are just to understand better. Some come tinged with a hint of suspicion (of what I’m not sure), or skepticism.

So I’ll just lay it all out there.

I’m doing it for the parents.

Parents who don’t exactly know what a postpartum doula is, but they DO know they need help. Think about the amount of time that must go into googling the term, surfing around on various sources (that are also highly variable in terms of quality and accuracy). Then, once they’ve figured out if it’s something they want to pursue, the time that goes into researching each particular doula in their area (they’ll also come across quite a bit of variety there). Then, they’ll have to narrow it down to a few, and ideally make time to meet with each one.

The last three clients who enlisted my postpartum doula services had something in common: their level of isolation as new parents. The first couple has moved here from out of the country and all of their family is abroad. The second couple hasn’t found friends since moving to a new location. The third couple also moved recently, haven’t had a chance to make any friends yet, and family is not nearby. (A few people from their church have offered to help but they don’t know them well and feel awkward taking them up on their offers). Two out of three of these families also had a spouse return to work after just two weeks. This made for some long and frustrating days for the mothers who were trying to figure out feeding issues, and/or longing for the autonomy they had before baby arrived, and/or dealing with sleep deprivation and powerful hormonal shifts.